Anna in AnnaLand

Anna in AnnaLand is moving

2007-03-15T10:37:00.001+11:00

Anna in AnnaLand is moving to http://annaaniston.wordpress.com

Go there, now!

Oh Bondage Up Yours!

2007-03-06T12:47:00.001+11:00

I <<heart>> X-Ray Spex

My fears

2007-03-02T15:31:00.001+11:00

I kept myself weak for too long because I was afraid of that strength. I was afraid of what havoc I could wreck. I guess that now I know I will make havoc when strong or weak, but strong, I have more fun doing it.

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

RW's advice

2007-03-01T14:02:00.001+11:00

I was talking to roaringwomyn last night when she said "you tend to try really hard to make things work, don't you?". Ooooh yesy yes yes yes, I do.

I try too damn hard and I don't know when to give up. She reckons I should give up on Jura... and right now, I think she may be onto something.

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

Dreams

2007-03-01T11:19:00.001+11:00

Ack, I dreamed last night that Itchy came to my house surrounded by a bunch of mates of mine / ours for a little party. I asked her to leave and she refused. I insisted, and everyone started telling me not to be so harsh. I insisted more; "I'm not going to feel uncomfortable in my house because of you". Then people started asking what she did that was so bad - I gave the litany in an even voice but when it got to "and you switched to be Souvarine's friend when he started fucking Loco", I got all upset! Even Kalypso told me I was being silly and should let her stay.

When I woke up, I told Kalypso. He said the nicest thing, "I am not a fireman, I wouldn't do that to you".

Yay!

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

http://dev.anarchafem.org is online!

2007-02-21T15:21:00.001+11:00

Basically, I was being slack. I took the site offline to change hosts to the community-minded http://axxs.org , and just didn't manage to get the job done. So, I thought, "why wait any longer?"

The site is now online for your anarchista pleasures…do with it what you will!

At some time, I'll have to actually complete that maintenance, but for now, revolutionary grrrls, anarchafem is up!

To log in or create your account, go to http://dev.anarchafem.org/login If you want to be a moderatorix, or can be an uber-tech ladie, send me an email at annaaniston –at- gmail dot com and let me know.

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

Hooray for madness!!

2007-02-21T13:20:00.001+11:00

I might be bipolar, w00t!

So my doctor says, at any rate.

What do I want?

2007-02-19T13:41:00.001+11:00

Last night, The Mighty CRL asked me what I wanted from medication. Good question! At the time I said "to be stable enough to achieve what I'd like to". But now I am changing that answer.

I want to be normal so that my desires and wants and needs are validated. More than anything I want to be able to feel that I am ok and that how I want to express myself is ok too. I don't want to be 'too withdrawn' or 'over the top' alla time. Or rather - I want the expressions of those feelings to be OK.

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

New Sockels!!

2007-02-11T22:53:00.000+11:00

These new striped socks are from Brazil and very cute!! Love 'em.

Betty's adventure with carrying weird stuff

2007-02-11T21:47:00.000+11:00

On Friday, I rode over to Reverse Garbage and picked out some plastic drums to help us recycle greywater and catch rainwater from the roof. Then there was the issue of how to get them home...

Swimming, oh yeah

2007-02-11T19:08:00.000+11:00

Swimming is sweet! I just went with my sister. We did laps for about 20 minutes at the Annette Kellerman Pool. Right now I feel so refreshed and happy. Swimming rocks!

Paella

2007-02-08T22:57:00.001+11:00

Paella, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

I made paella tonight. Love it. This is the first time I've tried that... Rice, some vege, spices, and some "Golden Mix" frozen vege to bulk it up.

Fucken Noice, maaaate.

Fotos da Anna

2007-02-08T11:29:00.001+11:00

Fotos da Anna, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Marley snoozing in the box in my room

2007-02-08T11:23:00.001+11:00

Marley snoozing in the box in my room, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Oh yes she is the cutest cat. The cutest cat.

I ended up emptying out this box and using it in another part of the house. Miss M was quite upset, and ended up snoozing next to this spot on my dirty clothes.

Vanity, thy name is Durty

2007-02-07T10:57:00.000+11:00

I was doing a bit of routine checking over my bike this morning, and found a secret compartment on the side. I 'd known it was there, but just assumed it held fuses or somesuch... No, its a lockable hidy-hole for things you want to keep while riding.

I opened it and found 2 used hankies covered with a light grease. I thought "wow, grease-rags!" and pulled them out. But wait, the compartment is actually quite deep. Those hankies hide behind them ... a hairbrush!

I can just imagine Durty, the bike's previous owner, stepping off, removing his helmet, shaking out those blonde locks and then rushing for the brush. Love it.

Spooky Sis

2007-01-30T14:52:00.001+11:00

DSC00281, originally uploaded by dylanj.

And this is my spooky sista on Oz Day

Sis

2007-01-30T14:49:00.001+11:00

DSC00288, originally uploaded by dylanj.

This is my sista on Oz day.

No flags ;)

Petty

2007-01-23T14:21:00.000+11:00

I revenge myself by nicking stationery.
How petty.

Slippery slope

2007-01-22T23:08:00.000+11:00

I crave objectivity. I crave verification. The part of me that sees this crazy behaviour is trapped, and cannot scream. There is no relativity, no datum. Right and wrong, already subtle, slip and slosh fluidly.

No-one sees me. I am even more invisible than I was before. Not even now a flashing smile to bring attention my way.

Someone somewhere sees and knows.

MAD

2007-01-22T17:05:00.000+11:00

What do you do when you are the madwoman in the attic?

Chandelier

2007-01-22T13:42:00.001+11:00

Chandelier, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Found at the Bower (http://www.bower.org.au)

The flatties all went to the Bower on the weekend. Oh yes!

Sis

2007-01-22T12:40:00.000+11:00

Sister has a remarkable way of putting things. On the weekend, we met a friend of a friend.
Me: So what do you do, J?
J: I work in HR
Sis: In other words, nothing
J: er
Sis: I mean, you play solitare or have a blog
J:
Sis: Its ok, I have a blog too

My cat

2007-01-22T11:46:00.000+11:00

I love my cat. She is sweet, and she doesn't mind that I've got no money.

LDR

2007-01-21T23:06:00.000+11:00

I feel like I'm having a long distance relationship... with someone who lives 3 suburbs over. Its a bit insane. I'm too used to the convenience of having someone there, just there beside me.

At the same time, I'm a bit afraid that shortening the gaps between us would cause a short circuit in whatever makes our relationship tick. Not that it has, but it might. Maybe, possibly, it could happen. Maybe maybe maybe.

One day, I'll live dangerously again. Can't wait!

Marley cat

2007-01-19T17:56:00.001+11:00

Marley cat, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

The lovely Miss Marley, our new housemate. The news is, she loves CRL, and currently lives under her bed. Miss Marley is a sweet naughty grrrl, who comes out for cat-treats and pats when she feels like it.

She likes to hunt, and spent some time today gazing out of CRL's window at the birds landing on the neighbour's roof. So cute!

Rememberances of xmas past

2007-01-18T18:23:00.001+11:00

Some things I will always remember... like xmas 2006. The year I took Kalypso home to meet the freaky streets what made me. I was a bit nervous about Kal spending a few hours with THE FAMS in the car under the stress of driving to Newcastle. But I reckoned - "hey, he's done well so far, time for an advanced crash course".He was sickly that day, but performed admirably.

As we drove along the highway, I pointed out the sights and sites...the car-sized patches on the Mooney-Mooney bridge; the Big Prawn (its famous, if you're a truck driver); the clean water that surrounded me as a child; and last, as we drove on the homeward stretch, a family out walking with the child on a leash and the dog running free! I was home.

Things went surprisingly smoothly. Granny kept on asking people to look at her Christmas Bush - and annoucing "I won't pee long" when she left the room to wee. Ah, family. When xmas day rolled around, she couldn't stop with the "I've never had a wet christmas before" comments... We rolled our eyes and tried not to let those remarks collide too roughly with the christmas bush.

The actual day, we spent with friends! Oh yes, with friends! The lovely JR prepared the most amazing foodstuffs. Including these high-class sausage rolls, which I didn't eat, but nonetheless couldn't help admiring. There was wave after wave of baked stuff, fruit, cake, fruit, cake, and nibbles.

Of course, there were tiny children to save from all that food, and we did our best. Tiny cutelings that ran around involving us all in their secret plans and stratagems! I got caught when I helped one lass into her sister's shirt. I did ask whether her sister would mind. Of course kidlets lie, but I felt asking was the right course. They had a big fight about it too. Ah, it reminded me of my young days and the grudges that my sister and I still hold. Softened by time, but still quite real, the day I found out she read my diary.... oh the horror! The horror.

Lonliness

2007-01-06T10:33:00.000+11:00

Lovely postcard
from
Citizen110
for postsecret

from the moo

2007-01-03T00:01:00.000+11:00

unhappy,
A tired girl who has lips too full, hips too firm, and a mind too silly to, pretend that she's weak.

Long time, no post

2007-01-02T23:10:00.000+11:00

Can I go into how tumultuous things have been for me? Can I tell you how much my self esteem has been buffeted lately? Well its all true.

Emotional crapola
On the one hand, I have the lovely AK just breaking my heart entirely with her choices; and Souvarine stepping on said heart with what passes for glee in his world until I feel like some kind of burst-open can of Chum, spewing forth macerated horse meats instead of emotions. On the other, the lovely Kalypso is just fabulous. My sister and mother have given me the stern talkings-to I've needed over and over again until I've cried and cried and cried out all the self-pitying bullshit that overloaded me.

Change
Then there is setting up the new house with RW and the Might Crl. Brilliant women, both of them. Here are 2 sheilas that will stand up for you when it comes to the crunch. Women of guts, women of valour, women who wash up when it is their turn, but not before. I am loving this beautiful place with its sunny rooms, wooden floors, quiet neighbourhood (+ friendly neighbours), and grassy backyard. I am even meeting women and socialising somewhat.

Praxis in politics
Also, Jura Books has required attentions of late. The website has a series of nice new themes (courtesy of moi); the shop is being cleaned and rearranged to make it more friendly, and I ,even had time for a big screaming match with Sid today over the issue of "how it is my fault that Mark M doesn;t interact with the collective"... ok, simplication there. He said that there is an equal fault on both sides of the equation (Mark on one, and everyone else except Sid on the other) and if Mark has never treated us well it is partly our faults. Hmm, it sounds logical, but it isn't once you take a little of the history into account.

Love, love, love
Back to Kalypso, but sweet, my dear. I've wanted to write something to you for a few weeks now, but words tend to fail me a little bit. There's something wonderful happening here. I'm so glad to have you in my life to share with.

Now to my sister. Sister, dear. I can't ever express what you mean to me. One day, I might find some word. Till then, just realise that I'm trying to get better at the "being there" part. I hope you like your blog in pink.

Drugs
I've been off my meds for about a month now. I just ran out and couldn't see the doctor to get more. Silly girl, yes I am. There have been some terrible tizzies (especially when I got my period on 25/12/06 - urgh). But surprisingly, I feel ok. More ok than I imagined I would. Can't really wait to get back, though. The zoloft puts a small wall between me and the panic, a little barrier I still need to fend off the horrifying realisations of ordinariness of every day. There is a horror of gaping open, a giant, stinking vulva of life that inhabits everything. Sometimes its creation and rot gets too much for me.

Burned bridges
Yes, I am an idiot. I sent a xmas card to Souv's parents, but I got back a curt "thankyou" email. Not sure what to make of it all, except to make nothing of it. I feel a bit betrayed by them on many fronts. C'est la vie. Serves me right for engaging. Serves me right for indulging my fantasies of trust and transparency.

Freshly cut grass
I don't get into all this sexual morality that my (now) ex-mates seem to revel in. But one thing I notice is how wrong it can seem to cut your mate's grass...not that I care, but there is this rule. Now, you know who you are, right? Yes, you. I can't really get any more alienated from those who care, but how will you get treated when or if the story gets out? I already know the answer, so I've no interest in the experiment.

That reminds me to check whether those kidlets were able to pay the bills or not...
And that in tern reminds me, I am so happy now.

Sometimes I feel I am in a new reality tv show, and losing badly

2006-12-12T16:06:00.000+11:00

Sunday

2006-12-12T11:27:00.002+11:00

I had to go to Souv's to pick up my papers, comix and LPs. He had separated out the comix that he believed were mine, even though the agreement was to go through them. I wanted to go through the comix, and he started yelling at me.

I wanted volumes one and 2 of "Maus" - but he thought I only had volume 1. Of course, he hadn't given me either. I looked at a pile of books where Maus was sitting and that's when the abuse started. I was "treating it like my home" which it no longer is. Not that he told me what I wasn't allowed to touch, oh no. Passive aggression doesn't work when you communicate your needs.

He told me that he and my friends were concerned that I had pushed them away. They've got no "real problem" with me, except that I have "distanced myself". This is evidence that I am on a calculated, manipulative jounrey of self destruction and I am using them as an excuse. Of course, I am not as happy as I say I am, because that would invalidate the "journey of self destruction" theory. Of course, the names of the individuals who have said this about me must be private to Souvarine. Even though their comments can be shared with me. Of course it isn't a contradiction that these nameless people are allowed to anonymously judge me as insane, and still call themselves my friends.

He kept looking at me with a mixture of hate and sorrow, and something I'd call 'longing'.

The best part is when he kept repeating "I haven't asked anyone to chose sides". No, but he has made it clear that unless they chose, they lose his friendship. If I go to an event, he will not.

HAS LOGIC LEFT THE BUILDING?

Ok, I'm angry

2006-12-08T10:18:00.000+11:00

And I hit out when I am hurting.

So sorry for being a cunt. Sorry for being an anger-blind cunt. Sorry for wanting to hurt you back.

There's no point wanting to explain how I feel

2006-12-07T16:40:00.000+11:00

Arsenic

2006-12-07T16:04:00.000+11:00

Let's eat arsenic pizza

Suffer, losers!

2006-12-05T22:04:00.000+11:00

If you don't have a sister who makes fruit salad for you, then suffer in the knowledge that I am enjoying my sister's great fruit salad right now.

Muah ha ha ha!

I miss my ex-husband!

2006-12-05T13:05:00.000+11:00

Ha ha ha, no I don't!

so much hurt

2006-12-04T12:33:00.000+11:00

and no-one to share it with.

.... all my "mates" are now souv's mates. Great.

Evil

2006-12-01T15:58:00.000+11:00

In my dreams, I am as evil as Stacy Scheff. But alas, its only in my dreams. My sweet, sweet dreams.

Souvarine

2006-11-30T14:48:00.001+11:00

I just spoke to Souvarine about all this. He tells me all of my friends a "genuinely concerned" about the choices I am making in my life and where I am headed. Funny how they manifest this concern as vicious bitching, eh?

Anyway, we spoke adultly, and he said what he said before... that he wants things to be calm, and for him that means being without Anna for at least 6 to 18 months. Then we can see if friendship is still possible. There are still some small loose ends to tie up - and I was relieved to hear he is in no hurry to do so, but also appreciates my need to do it quickly so his girlfriend will stop accusing me of "trying to get him back".

Yay for sanity.

He reiterates that he doesn't hate me. Yay for that. Yay for being an adult about it all.

The Bold and The Beautiful continues....

2006-11-30T14:48:00.000+11:00

More emails from my lovely loco interlocutor.

They're planning a "fence-mending party" (my sister asked 'is that a real or figurative fence?' when I told her) to fix the back fence of the house we all shared. Not that I was involved in the breaking of said fence - but I've been asked to help or donate money to the cause. I'm entertaining the idea that my help would actually be appreciated, but so far, my offers have met with some heady abuse because I offered that Kalypso could also help... I'm allowed to bring anyone but him to give their labour voluntarily.

Anyway, Loco Lu and I have exchanged a series of emails where she accuses me of being a malintended person who's only goal in life is to disturb the sanity of Souvarine (and/or to win him back). After I finally told her I wasn't interested in the dialogue anymore because it was just about villifying me, not about communication. It most recently ends here:

On 11/30/06, loco lu> wrote:
i know that u r going through some very difficult times at the moment n dont want to make your life more difficult for u. really think Itchy should relax about the eX issue because it has little to do with her.
can we agree to distance our selves untill the atmosphere is more relaxed for us all?
think its best we keep to our distances untill things chill out.
on sun 10th with fence fixing. all my closest friends that u dont like too much will be there...but they will be nice and so will i.

lov
lu

And my response...

Look, I don't dislike anyone in this situation. I do dislike being villified for having sex, though. I've been willing all along to just play nice - but I can't when I'm being treated badly by Itchy and yourself because I had sex with someone you don't like. Its soooooo none of your business who I fuck, even if you don't like them. I will arrange to get my bond back from Itchy and I will come to help with the fence.

Anna

Throughout this ordeal, the most intense feelings have welled up in me. Mostly - a sense of lonliness and impotence. Lonliness because I'm being ejected from a group (whether or not I value them). Impotence because reason is the last thing they'll care to understand. All I can do is blog about it, and hope that someone somewhere agrees.

Kalypso has been great, though. Thanks, maaaaaate, for being supportive when I needed it. In fact, there's a long list of people who've listened to me whine and cry about how fucking unfair it all is, who've patted me on the back and told me to "stay solid, comrade". Fucking heaps of thanks to you all!

Roaring womyn, dillimondaine, beaver, jen&ella, souvarine, the Mighty Crl, dug, rainbow brite, to name a few. You roxor!

A sense of triumph

2006-11-29T19:20:00.000+11:00

A sense of triumph overcomes me as I tune the telly aerial to make a clear picture of channel 7. The same channel that will soon be showing House - a telly drama about hospitals starring the inimitable Hugh Laurie.

The bad days (of our lives) will end

2006-11-29T16:20:00.000+11:00

The wisdom of Loco Lu:
"i found out you sent souv's mother an evil text about his mental health when u know perfectly well he's doing really well. u knew they were trying to have a nice family dinner n u just had to try n upset souv's mother"

The evil text message? You judge:
"hear you are in sydney. hope you are well. I am a bit concerned about Souv to be honest. Glad he has a new girlfriend"

The bad days (of our lives) will end. I wait.

Me and AK together at last

2006-11-29T11:38:00.000+11:00

AK was having issues earlier in the week so she asked me to come and drink and chat with her. As you well know, I'm also having issues and was well in need of a chat.

We ended the night lying drunk in a park in Redfern. Hugging and crying and telling each other its all OK. With friends like Ak, it all seems a bit better.

Crazy crazy women

2006-11-29T08:46:00.000+11:00

Ok, so I'm a bad person for dating the ex of a friend of mine (who was separated from him for 12 months, and also lives in another country). But the woman who is dating my ex - someone I've separated from for 5 months, still keep in contact with and see regularly, can't see any parrallels. She insists that I have made an "insane and suicidal" choice.

Fuck me dead! Who are these mad people, and what do they want from me?

Kalypso made a good point about all this melodrama. He said that the players have but 2 options: accept that I am just human, or paint me as an evil bitch with nothing but malintent. If they do the latter, life is good for them and no examination of their own actions comes into play. If they do the former then they have to countenance the possibility that: their actions were childish and rude; that their son is crazy; that their new boytfriend might not be perfect (like who is?); that a relationship can't ever be exclusive to 2 people alone.

Chocolate is a stimulant

2006-11-28T17:08:00.000+11:00

And it feels great to eat when you are stressing out

I've lost all power of reasoning

2006-11-28T16:58:00.000+11:00

All these people are saying that I am "obviously" "insane" and "suicidal" because I am making choices they don't like. I'm beginning to crack.

Loquita!

2006-11-28T09:49:00.000+11:00

The crazy ex-flatmates have struck again! How do they manage to be so mad?

I'm starting to feel I should just let them keep the $200 they owe me so I don't have to get involved anymore. Alleviating the stress I feel is worth about $200, I reckon. I feel like I'm always being handed responsibility for their shit because I appear more together or something.

Its just fucked up.

.... but then, they keep telling me I'm crazy and immoral. I don't quite know how to take it all.

70 minutes until lease-signing time!

2006-11-24T15:27:00.000+11:00

Wheeeee!

Today

2006-11-24T11:47:00.000+11:00

The boss is away and I will play

patching things up

2006-11-21T13:20:00.000+11:00

2nd day without smoking. I chucked my fags in the bin yesterday and bought nicotine patches. Urgh, the worst part of being an addict is buying shit like nicabate cq at priceline. I feel so dirty.

The first thing you notice when you open the packet is a vile smell. Its a smoker's smell, like a hundred old crusties taken turns blowing smoke into your curtains.

When you put it on, you get a rush of nausea which does continue throughout the day. Its sick, but slightly less sick than smoking, I suppose.

The best thing is - I am actually not smoking.

Reading

2006-11-20T16:41:00.000+11:00

2006-11-18T00:12:00.000+11:00

I want to make love to the sky

I wish the sky was green and my body was bright blue

Maybe you are Juliet, but I'm no Romeo

Growth

2006-11-15T21:26:00.000+11:00

From Souv's parent, after I emailed to ask how they were:

The plant you gave us several years ago has just flowered, for the
first time - today. I'll take a photo and send it to you.

all the best

Growth

2006-11-15T14:06:00.000+11:00

Jura is also growing, and I like that too.

Birth and renewal

2006-11-15T11:52:00.000+11:00

Birth, renewal. Oh joy.

I'm very much in love right now.

It feels like spring has sprung all around me. Lovers are loving. Relationships are blossoming. Interests are developing. Its so keen, so lovely.

I feel sane and supported, but unfettered. Its like floating in the ocean rather than standing on the earth.

Harvesting love

2006-11-14T14:35:00.000+11:00

Well, well, well, then. Something's afoot.

I found out today that Souv has a new girlfriend. And moreover, she's a friend of mine. Far from crying "traitor!", I couldn't be happier for them both. I gave Souv a big hug when he told me he was seeing Loco Lu. She's really sweet. He's really sweet. They can be sweet to each other.

The news has disbursed that small grain of guilt I felt about taking up with Kalypso within what may be termed "so short a time" after the separation.

My reaction is in contrast to the reaction I received from eX about my relationship with K. I'm happy that I can pass on love, not hate. I feel joy for Loco and Souv, not jealousy. There is real love and joy in my life.

Baby dreams

2006-11-13T23:09:00.000+11:00

I've been dreaming of havng a baby. Two nights ago, I had an intense dream where I was giving birth. I felt the pain and joy of suring waves of uterine compression, and vaginal expansion. Bringing a life into being from my own body, and it was beautiful.

My body wants to be pregnant, heavy with life brought from love. Suddenly, my mind is clear enough to expect that a child would be a joy rather than another burden on me.

Its lovely. A lovely feeling.

a letter to the eX after her emails to my friends calling me a traitor

2006-11-09T08:10:00.000+11:00

eX,

If you want to engage in this victim politics, then go ahead, but leave me out of it. I've done nothing to you except support you and offer friendship to you.

I would like to respect your wish to be left alone by myself and others from Sydney. However, I ask that in return you leave me alone. Please don't contact my friends and comrades to call me a traitor. I never betrayed you. My relationship with K has nothing to do with you. He and I were always friends. Whatever form that takes, you shouldn't feel that its intended to hurt you.

My happiness doesn't actually depend on your approval. After a long time being unhappy, I have found something that can help me to be happy, and I want to hold onto that while I can. You are going through similar experiences, and nobody begrudges you having lovers whoever they are. If you keep holding on to being a victim, you'll end up worse off for it. You have your own life to live and I have mine. Take the joy you have in your life - with your lovers and your job and your friends, and let me have the joy I find in my life.

Have a bit of self respect. Don't paint me as your oppressor.

Anna

all I want

2006-11-02T20:50:00.000+11:00

I want you to be happy with me

Socks

2006-10-30T10:50:00.000+11:00

Socks
Originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Socks!

2006-10-30T10:48:00.000+11:00

Socks!
Originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Smoking

2006-10-30T10:45:00.000+11:00

Smoking
Originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Smoking in my back yard. Reading a Tom Robbins novel. Wearing the hallmarks of Anna-ism - clashing patterns and violent colour combinations. Stripes are a must.

Sudden realisations

2006-10-26T06:50:00.000+10:00

Dear Souvarine, I was lying in bed this morning, talking over love and life with Kalypso. I had a sudden gush of insight as to why your parents were so welcoming to me, and so cold to me now that I have left you.

I don want to appear to be cynical, but it seems to me that they were so happy of the fact you brought a woman home to them that they fell over themselves to make me part of the family. They lavished gifts upon our union and loved me like a daughter. At least that´s what I thought. The only transgression I made to them was to leave you, my little impossible love. My little compost of sexless desire and wallowing loneliness. Now they hate me because I have sinned.

You always told me I was the only one for you, and I suppose I was well-used to be le monde to my lovers. I didn´t suspect the feats of self-abjection that I´d feel compelled to perform for you as you looked on, disinterested. If I stick a pin in my eye to prove my love, you turn away as its not enough. Well, my sweetness, your love is not enough for me. It was, but now it is not.

Take your swipes at me, graze my heart and leave me bleeding on the floor without self-esteem. Use me as your voodoo doll of the world. It doesn´t hurt because I ain´t yours no more.

Sure, I am a sinner. But you didn´t mind my stiff jibes at you. You encouraged my reckless behaviour. You pretended not to notice the affairs I had with every woman I liked (perhaps you really couldn´t imagine I lied to you when I told you I was just out with mates?). But the sin I committed against you was to say that I am worth more than your self-pitying hatred that you heaped upon me because you loved me.

I feel light and strong today. There´s a phoenix aspect of me, no longer crying against its cage. I feel mean with love. Don let me into your house today.

Nail biting

2006-10-15T21:28:00.000+10:00

Oh days of anxiety.

I'm sitting in my bedroom, biting my little nails. The last couple of days have been a little hellish. This I blame on menstruation. My period was late by about 10 days, but then came to call with spiteful pain and depression.

So I've had a fight with d. Made myself confused about love and loving. I got all jealous over someone I'm not really jealous about. So jealous that I walked out of dinner. No, wait, that wasn't jealousy, it was because these emotional areas which suddenly became tender where they weren't before. I was ready to change things radically, even though I like them how they are.

I cam home, and looking for solace, turned to MOO and managed a nice conversation about anarchism. Souvarine was there at the same time. Ha. He managed to get angry with me. Later telling me "please don't do that shit again". These are places I used to frequent, but now I can't because he wants freedom from me. I feel weird visiting our mutual mates because of the likelihood he may be around. Its ok when he needs me, or invites me, but I'm not allowed to turn up uninvited. Which I don't think is fair to me.

I guess this is what you get when you do what you need to. Oh that sounds awfully egotistical! I suppose I have to live with other people and how I treat them.

So I've repaired to my room to listen to The Slits and Transvision Vamp. I cleaned a bit. Then I started to do some mildly mindless online tasks - like updating one of the websites I administer, updating flickr and of course writing it all out.

So I'm a bit less messed up now. Things seem a little straighter to me. Maybe its because I took my medication, finally (only about 12 hours late)? Though I'm reluctant to blame all my stupid actions on "not taking my meds" and I'm a little scared to think how easily I could spin right out of control.

Salve

2006-10-15T20:09:00.000+10:00

The Slits - the salve for heartache

Devon

2006-10-13T07:34:00.000+10:00

Take a ticket, sweetness.
There's a queue to chew my fat.

10 days

2006-10-11T13:08:00.000+10:00

Jeez! I'm always running late.

Addiction

2006-10-09T22:49:00.000+10:00

Yeah , I like smoking. Mostly I smoke when I'm bored, though.

Apples

2006-10-09T09:55:00.000+10:00

You've got to pick then apple when its ripe.

Oh yes, not before! And not after.

Wheeeeee!

2006-10-08T09:36:00.000+10:00

Pirate is returning to us! No more Uber alles for her. She's coming back to the broad loand where the beer is cold and unemployment is high.

Can't wait to go roaming around with ya, sweet pirate sista. We gonna rage Sydney like its our private playground.

wheeeee!

Dear Venezuela

2006-10-08T09:24:00.000+10:00

It was lovely to have you around, but I'm glad you no longer are.
You cleaned so much, and cooked lovely food. But you left sprinklings of sugar all over the kitchen and dirtied every dish in the house.
You invited special people who talked of Chavez with passion while we got all drunk and sang songs. But your friend Diego stood outside yelling that I was a whore coz I wouldn't fuck him (and who is he, anyway?).
You're lovely and sensual. But your having your one-night stand lover rush into my bed for drunken sex (not supplied) at 2am was a little disruptive.
You are generous and I want to return in kind. But you didn't respect my closed door.
You aren't shy about sex. But sometimes you held women in a low estimation.

So, dear sweet friend, come over for a party. Let's dance dirty and laugh at it all. But then, please please please, leave again!

Let's make it forever, while it lasts

2006-10-08T08:46:00.000+10:00

Was it a month ago? You came to my party. I was tired, couldn't think straight, and unsure.

Then it became a regular thing. A physical thing. A casual kinda thing. I was still unsure.

When did it fall into this addiction? A week ago? A month? Somewhere in between, but I've lost all meaning of time.

I'm not jealous, and I know it'll end like all the others. But I'm willing to make no demands, no expectations. Its so fucking sweet.

Forever, while it lasts.

Souv's balls

2006-10-08T08:27:00.000+10:00

Dear readers,
Souvarine has cancer in his nether-regions. Well, I guess he doesn't now. Coz one of his balls got taken away on Friday.

He's all well. I went to visit on Friday night (Souv still druggy), and again on Saturday day. It was nice to see him all OKOK. His parents were pretty hard to deal with... I've heard that mama-Souv thinks I am somewhat evil. Well nuts to you, mama-Souv, your politeness is such a joke.

Anyhoo, Souvarine is well and will be back blowing up coal mines as soon as he can. (oh yeah, if you can't accept the literary reference and think I'm talking about actual terrism, then piss off now. No, you can't read my blog. Nah, go away).

My biggest problem, though, was that I wanted to look. I'm a curious cat and just really wanted to see what Souv ended up with down there, and the scar. I'd like to have seen the testicle they took out too - but not even Souv gets that. But I couldn't ask to see what I once saw every single day. I've lost all pants-rights.

Read it here...

I was faithful to my word

2006-10-03T13:17:00.000+10:00

I did take another lover, just as I promised

Petit Mort

2006-09-29T09:13:00.000+10:00

I can't decide whether I like sex with you or riding my motorcycle more.

Maybe if I get you on my bike on night, together we can lose control?

Come

2006-09-28T08:37:00.000+10:00

I can't resist you
You say "come" and I come
Howling into the pillow
Into your apartment
In the middle of the night

I'm ignoring my friends
My life
My hard-won freedom
For you
Because you say "come", "stay", and "I like you"

Its an act of submission
But I'm not a submissive

Its my driving desire
For the pleasure
I find in our bedly leisure
That brings me back
When you say "come"

my authoritarian body

2006-09-21T15:49:00.000+10:00

For some reason I don't quite know, crazy deep bits of me miss you suddenly and immediately. Surely there's something else to life? My body doesn't seem to think so.

Eros

2006-09-19T16:56:00.000+10:00

So I'm walking around the city in my lunch break today in a bit of an erotic haze. Everything I think, do and see wakes the furthest reaches of me... sitting at lunch across from my mother, talking about the divorce, I suddenly smile that dreamy smile. She wants to know what's up, she thinks something is wrong. But its more that something is right.

Though I need to let my head clear, I need to let myself sharpen before I soften. Or will that come later? Later, later later. Always, I come later.

Little razor tongue

2006-09-17T00:37:00.000+10:00

I won't say it
I can't say it
(I want you back)

You know how to get to the core
Oh cut me cut me cut me

Make love with me
Let us lacerate each other

If your's is the last face I see
So be it
So be it
So be it

Take all of me
Leave me broken
Rag doll anna
Broken spine
Flesh bled dry

Oh cut me cut me cut me
Love me love me love me

But I won't say it
(I want you back)

sick like me

2006-09-07T07:52:00.000+10:00

I dreamed you were sick like me. Green-purple hollows ringed your eyes. I insisted that you take my last 2 coedine tablets. You turned to me and said "that's very sweet of you", and I felt so touched.

we all like to think we're being spoken about...

2006-09-03T17:50:00.000+10:00

... and sometimes we are. sometimes not, though.

Сыр

2006-09-03T10:29:00.000+10:00

Part of me is pretty glad that sz is gone for the week... and that's the part of me that eats dairy. I bought ice cream and an italian dip with parmesan last night.

Different people in the house, different feelings about space and time.

Fb has flown off to india this morning, he was a sweet guest to have around though. I really wish I'd had more time to talk to him about class politix, he's not deluded, and I really appreciate that.

the world, a wish

2006-09-03T03:06:00.000+10:00

I wish the world would disappear
Wishing never wrought time from its titanium mold
It never succeeded as it sought to unwind the heavenly galactic clock
Not send space to rotate homocentric impossibilities
And though it may have persuaded many a maiden to fly to the stars
No wish 'ere persuaded gravity to turn its eye and let her

Yet a wish has created this
This little world
I see the million music-made rosettes spinning on the wall
I know that a wish, and nothing more than this shall set this elfish tune

A world, a wish
Never ask for more than this

little horns

2006-09-03T02:59:00.000+10:00

Nobody loves you
So you say

Well I do
But not in that way

I'm not your mama
I'm more like a sister

With our fighting and spiting
Tension builds like a blister

Maybe you'll realise
One gloomy day

What you gave up
When you acted this way

I never wanted a husband
Not even a lover

All my overtures sent you
Running for cover

Sure I'm crazy
But no more than you

I just wanted a moment
That's tender and blue

But alas and alack
Its time to backtrack

To pretend we were friends
But no more than that

my bones are private

2006-09-03T02:58:00.000+10:00

Stealth strain a lick of sweat
marching crawling preserving their breath
they're coming to get me

black on black on black on black

i've saved myself for something else
my bones are private
they haven't found me yet

l my face is wet

2006-09-03T02:54:00.000+10:00

Crack! I look behind
I see him walking too close
Too fast
I see his hand
Now I feel his breath

Oh god
What now? What now?
Now I am running
Now I feel his breath harder
I feel my unused thighs strain
My much unloved muscle stretches to snap

Now what? Now what?
Wait, the weight in my hand
I've turned, oh god I've turned

I feel his breath blow out as though to
Extinguish some cardinal flame

Oh god

Now I'm running
He deserved it he deserved it he deserved it

Now I feel my face is wet.

Tanya

2006-09-03T02:29:00.000+10:00

When I was so entrenched in morphia's sicky embrace
I did not see the look of sweet and warm release
That crossed her pretty molded face
When she held me close and softening, came

In the dulled moonlight of my brain
I thought I saw an s-curved cheek and
Felt the infintely smooth and deep
Wonder of her frangrant flesh
Which will for all time thence emesh
My memory to her charming familiarity

I miss Souv

2006-09-01T09:50:00.000+10:00

I can't help it

I must be mad

2006-08-31T16:49:00.000+10:00

I got little money, no language, and even less geography. Still, I'm heading to russia at the end of the year to hang out, look at stuff, feel like an isolated idiot who can't speak to anyone (gee, that'll be a change). I've always wanted to, so I'm going to do it now. Hopefully, I'll be away for 3 months or more. I should be able to epand my vocab in that time from "where is the post office" and 'I am a lesbian, where do you live", to the ruski equivalent of actual conversation.

Here's hoping, anyway.

Crushed

2006-08-30T14:26:00.000+10:00

Why can't I stop getting crushed by crushes?

I'm in limbo!

Betty Noir

2006-08-26T18:27:00.000+10:00

100_0842
Originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Weird stuff I saw today

2006-08-26T17:14:00.000+10:00

DSC02273
Originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Really weird

Fat grrrls on bikes

2006-08-25T16:33:00.000+10:00

DSC02268
Originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

This is my housemate...

2006-08-25T00:45:00.000+10:00

DSC02248
Originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

... the one who does weird stuff, and whom i suspect of using my toothbrush.

Sunday soccers

2006-08-24T16:15:00.000+10:00

Guess which one is me!

The Maiden Voyage of the Betty Noir

2006-08-24T15:34:00.000+10:00

The Betty Noir, my new love, has 2 wheels and a shiny black/chrome body. She's so alluring that I find myself looking for any excuse to get on and ride ride ride away. Last night, I went out into the darkness to feel inside her mechanical parts. Discovering the idle adjuster screw by touch alone was so thrilling, I had to sit down.

With Betty, I am an absolute beginner. My first ride (on Monday) started with me stalling about 20 meters after starting out and 6 subsequent times on the short ride home.

Oh the laughing and almost getting squished alot. I was overtaken by cyclists as I putted along at 10kmph, and rode around a block several times before being confident enough to take the roundabout before home.

I've riden twice subsequently, both times at night, and my relationship with Betty has grown so quickly. I'm now riding at 60kmph in traffic, and stopping without stalling.

Its so exciting, Betty and I.

Some people are just too cool

2006-08-23T15:34:00.000+10:00

DSC02219 copy
Originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

I really like this tacky colourisation of Ash (Sophisticates drummer) playing at my houseparty 2 weeks ago.

He's got such a striking profile, but it was hard to capture because of the way he moves while drumming.

Still, I like it.

Dispondency

2006-08-06T16:19:00.000+10:00

Now that I am alone, I'm a little lost and dispondent. Perhaps it was the string of very late nights and drunken russian lessons? Or that I'm reading "Life Before Man" by Margaret Atwood? Maybe both. My stomach is as unsettled as my mind today. I'm waiting for the sounds of an engine idling then quitting in the front street. I'm waiting for something next to interrupt me and take me to the next exciting adventure. To take me out of myself.

But what has happened is myself. I'm calm. I've been reading a book - I know, not much of a feat, but one I've been all but unable to perform for nigh on 2 years now. What a relief to find that my brain can still ingest ideas and even become consumed, hungry for them. Its not like studying - which is an excercise in discipline, its an activity rather than an affirmation.

Autonomy

2006-08-06T10:26:00.000+10:00

I've moved house, I've left the martial unit. Marital unity, gone.

Apart from being a terribly sad experience, its also a lovely one. I've got some time for myself now. But what to do with myself. It might be easy to get caught up in other relationships, new friends, lovers, admirers and petty bitching about household chores. Sharehousing could become a surrogate for the relationships and forms I've left behind me.

I love the communism of my new household. Sharing the cooking and the awful cleaning isn't so bad, either. There's no promise to comply, but an invitation to a mutual relationship, an offer of equality.
Its so wonderful.

New experiences. Stepping out of a rut. I was accosted by a slug yesterday morning. I would've found that annoying before, but now its a chance to laugh at the danger of fantastic giant slugs (will you be ready?). I notice that I am instantly calmer just being here.

Being in a new place

2006-08-06T09:31:00.000+10:00

Late nights watching Monty Python movies, laughing freely. Squirming on the lougne, wondering, wondering. An uncareful mix of drugs runs through me. Sertraline floats my blood, elevating me slightly. Pumping me up, a pontoon to hold me just above the dark waters of despair.

Peering down into those waters. Smoke rising from an unseen fire under the waters.