Can I go into how tumultuous things have been for me? Can I tell you how much my self esteem has been buffeted lately? Well its all true.
Emotional crapolaOn the one hand, I have the lovely AK just breaking my heart entirely with her choices; and Souvarine stepping on said heart with what passes for glee in his world until I feel like some kind of burst-open can of Chum, spewing forth macerated horse meats instead of emotions. On the other, the lovely Kalypso is just fabulous. My sister and mother have given me the stern talkings-to I've needed over and over again until I've cried and cried and cried out all the self-pitying bullshit that overloaded me.
ChangeThen there is setting up the new house with RW and the Might Crl. Brilliant women, both of them. Here are 2 sheilas that will stand up for you when it comes to the crunch. Women of guts, women of valour, women who wash up when it is their turn, but not before. I am loving this beautiful place with its sunny rooms, wooden floors, quiet neighbourhood (+ friendly neighbours), and grassy backyard. I am even meeting women and socialising somewhat.
Praxis in politicsAlso,
Jura Books has required attentions of late. The website has a series of nice new themes (courtesy of
moi); the shop is being cleaned and rearranged to make it more friendly, and I ,even had time for a big screaming match with Sid today over the issue of "how it is my fault that Mark M doesn;t interact with the collective"... ok, simplication there. He said that there is an equal fault on both sides of the equation (Mark on one, and everyone else except Sid on the other) and if Mark has never treated us well it is partly our faults. Hmm, it sounds logical, but it isn't once you take a little of the history into account.
Love, love, loveBack to Kalypso, but sweet, my dear. I've wanted to write something to you for a few weeks now, but words tend to fail me a little bit. There's something wonderful happening here. I'm so glad to have you in my life to share with.
Now to my sister. Sister, dear. I can't ever express what you mean to me. One day, I might find some word. Till then, just realise that I'm trying to get better at the "being there" part. I hope you like your
blog in pink.
DrugsI've been off my meds for about a month now. I just ran out and couldn't see the doctor to get more. Silly girl, yes I am. There have been some terrible tizzies (especially when I got my period on 25/12/06 - urgh). But surprisingly, I feel ok. More ok than I imagined I would. Can't really wait to get back, though. The zoloft puts a small wall between me and the panic, a little barrier I still need to fend off the horrifying realisations of ordinariness of every day. There is a horror of gaping open, a giant, stinking vulva of life that inhabits everything. Sometimes its creation and rot gets too much for me.
Burned bridgesYes, I am an idiot. I sent a xmas card to Souv's parents, but I got back a curt "thankyou" email. Not sure what to make of it all, except to make nothing of it. I feel a bit betrayed by them on many fronts. C'est la vie. Serves me right for engaging. Serves me right for indulging my fantasies of trust and transparency.
Freshly cut grassI don't get into all this sexual morality that my (now) ex-mates seem to revel in. But one thing I notice is how wrong it can seem to cut your mate's grass...not that I care, but there is this rule. Now, you know who you are, right? Yes, you. I can't really get any more alienated from those who care, but how will you get treated when or if the story gets out? I already know the answer, so I've no interest in the experiment.
That reminds me to check whether those kidlets were able to pay the bills or not...
And that in tern reminds me,
I am so happy now.
