Anna in AnnaLand is moving

Anna in AnnaLand is moving to http://annaaniston.wordpress.com

 

Go there, now!

Oh Bondage Up Yours!

I <<heart>> X-Ray Spex

My fears

I kept myself weak for too long because I was afraid of that strength. I was afraid of what havoc I could wreck. I guess that now I know I will make havoc when strong or weak, but strong, I have more fun doing it.

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

RW's advice

I was talking to roaringwomyn last night when she said "you tend to try really hard to make things work, don't you?". Ooooh yesy yes yes yes, I do.

 

I try too damn hard and I don't know when to give up. She reckons I should give up on Jura... and right now, I think she may be onto something.

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

Dreams

Ack, I dreamed last night that Itchy came to my house surrounded by a bunch of mates of mine / ours for a little party. I asked her to leave and she refused. I insisted, and everyone started telling me not to be so harsh. I insisted more; "I'm not going to feel uncomfortable in my house because of you". Then people started asking what she did that was so bad - I gave the litany in an even voice but when it got to "and you switched to be Souvarine's friend when he started fucking Loco", I got all upset! Even Kalypso told me I was being silly and should let her stay.

 

When I woke up, I told Kalypso. He said the nicest thing, "I am not a fireman, I wouldn't do that to you".

 

Yay!

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

http://dev.anarchafem.org is online!

Basically, I was being slack. I took the site offline to change hosts to the community-minded http://axxs.org , and just didn't manage to get the job done. So, I thought, "why wait any longer?"

The site is now online for your anarchista pleasures…do with it what you will!

At some time, I'll have to actually complete that maintenance, but for now, revolutionary grrrls, anarchafem is up!  

To log in or create your account, go to http://dev.anarchafem.org/login  If you want to be a moderatorix, or can be an uber-tech ladie, send me an email at annaaniston –at- gmail dot com and let me know.

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

Hooray for madness!!

I might be bipolar, w00t!

 

So my doctor says, at any rate.

 

 

What do I want?

Last night, The Mighty CRL asked me what I wanted from medication. Good question! At the time I said "to be stable enough to achieve what I'd like to". But now I am changing that answer.

 

I want to be normal so that my desires and wants and needs are validated. More than anything I want to be able to feel that I am ok and that how I want to express myself is ok too. I don't want to be 'too withdrawn' or 'over the top' alla time. Or rather - I want the expressions of those feelings to be OK.

 

--
Cut through the patriarchy
http://dev.anarchafem.org

New Sockels!!

These new striped socks are from Brazil and very cute!! Love 'em.

Betty's adventure with carrying weird stuff

On Friday, I rode over to Reverse Garbage and picked out some plastic drums to help us recycle greywater and catch rainwater from the roof. Then there was the issue of how to get them home...

Swimming, oh yeah

Swimming is sweet! I just went with my sister. We did laps for about 20 minutes at the Annette Kellerman Pool. Right now I feel so refreshed and happy. Swimming rocks!

Paella

Paella, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

I made paella tonight. Love it. This is the first time I've tried that... Rice, some vege, spices, and some "Golden Mix" frozen vege to bulk it up.

Fucken Noice, maaaate.

Fotos da Anna

Fotos da Anna, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Marley snoozing in the box in my room

Marley snoozing in the box in my room, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Oh yes she is the cutest cat. The cutest cat.

I ended up emptying out this box and using it in another part of the house. Miss M was quite upset, and ended up snoozing next to this spot on my dirty clothes.

Vanity, thy name is Durty

I was doing a bit of routine checking over my bike this morning, and found a secret compartment on the side. I 'd known it was there, but just assumed it held fuses or somesuch... No, its a lockable hidy-hole for things you want to keep while riding.

I opened it and found 2 used hankies covered with a light grease. I thought "wow, grease-rags!" and pulled them out. But wait, the compartment is actually quite deep. Those hankies hide behind them ... a hairbrush!

I can just imagine Durty, the bike's previous owner, stepping off, removing his helmet, shaking out those blonde locks and then rushing for the brush. Love it.

Spooky Sis

DSC00281, originally uploaded by dylanj.

And this is my spooky sista on Oz Day

Sis

DSC00288, originally uploaded by dylanj.

This is my sista on Oz day.

No flags ;)

Petty

I revenge myself by nicking stationery.
How petty.

Slippery slope

I crave objectivity. I crave verification. The part of me that sees this crazy behaviour is trapped, and cannot scream. There is no relativity, no datum. Right and wrong, already subtle, slip and slosh fluidly.

No-one sees me. I am even more invisible than I was before. Not even now a flashing smile to bring attention my way.


Someone somewhere sees and knows.

MAD

What do you do when you are the madwoman in the attic?

Chandelier

Chandelier, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

Found at the Bower (http://www.bower.org.au)

The flatties all went to the Bower on the weekend. Oh yes!

Sis

Sister has a remarkable way of putting things. On the weekend, we met a friend of a friend.
Me: So what do you do, J?
J: I work in HR
Sis: In other words, nothing
J: er
Sis: I mean, you play solitare or have a blog
J:
Sis: Its ok, I have a blog too

My cat

I love my cat. She is sweet, and she doesn't mind that I've got no money.

LDR

I feel like I'm having a long distance relationship... with someone who lives 3 suburbs over. Its a bit insane. I'm too used to the convenience of having someone there, just there beside me.

At the same time, I'm a bit afraid that shortening the gaps between us would cause a short circuit in whatever makes our relationship tick. Not that it has, but it might. Maybe, possibly, it could happen. Maybe maybe maybe.

One day, I'll live dangerously again. Can't wait!

Marley cat

Marley cat, originally uploaded by AnnaAniston.

The lovely Miss Marley, our new housemate. The news is, she loves CRL, and currently lives under her bed. Miss Marley is a sweet naughty grrrl, who comes out for cat-treats and pats when she feels like it.

She likes to hunt, and spent some time today gazing out of CRL's window at the birds landing on the neighbour's roof. So cute!

Rememberances of xmas past

Some things I will always remember... like xmas 2006. The year I took Kalypso home to meet the freaky streets what made me. I was a bit nervous about Kal spending a few hours with THE FAMS in the car under the stress of driving to Newcastle. But I reckoned - "hey, he's done well so far, time for an advanced crash course".He was sickly that day, but performed admirably.

As we drove along the highway, I pointed out the sights and sites...the car-sized patches on the Mooney-Mooney bridge; the Big Prawn (its famous, if you're a truck driver); the clean water that surrounded me as a child; and last, as we drove on the homeward stretch, a family out walking with the child on a leash and the dog running free! I was home.

Things went surprisingly smoothly. Granny kept on asking people to look at her Christmas Bush - and annoucing "I won't pee long" when she left the room to wee. Ah, family. When xmas day rolled around, she couldn't stop with the "I've never had a wet christmas before" comments... We rolled our eyes and tried not to let those remarks collide too roughly with the christmas bush.

The actual day, we spent with friends! Oh yes, with friends! The lovely JR prepared the most amazing foodstuffs. Including these high-class sausage rolls, which I didn't eat, but nonetheless couldn't help admiring. There was wave after wave of baked stuff, fruit, cake, fruit, cake, and nibbles.



Of course, there were tiny children to save from all that food, and we did our best. Tiny cutelings that ran around involving us all in their secret plans and stratagems! I got caught when I helped one lass into her sister's shirt. I did ask whether her sister would mind. Of course kidlets lie, but I felt asking was the right course. They had a big fight about it too. Ah, it reminded me of my young days and the grudges that my sister and I still hold. Softened by time, but still quite real, the day I found out she read my diary.... oh the horror! The horror.

Lonliness

Lovely postcard
from
Citizen110
for postsecret

from the moo

unhappy,
A tired girl who has lips too full, hips too firm, and a mind too silly to, pretend that she's weak.

Long time, no post

Can I go into how tumultuous things have been for me? Can I tell you how much my self esteem has been buffeted lately? Well its all true.

Emotional crapola
On the one hand, I have the lovely AK just breaking my heart entirely with her choices; and Souvarine stepping on said heart with what passes for glee in his world until I feel like some kind of burst-open can of Chum, spewing forth macerated horse meats instead of emotions. On the other, the lovely Kalypso is just fabulous. My sister and mother have given me the stern talkings-to I've needed over and over again until I've cried and cried and cried out all the self-pitying bullshit that overloaded me.

Change
Then there is setting up the new house with RW and the Might Crl. Brilliant women, both of them. Here are 2 sheilas that will stand up for you when it comes to the crunch. Women of guts, women of valour, women who wash up when it is their turn, but not before. I am loving this beautiful place with its sunny rooms, wooden floors, quiet neighbourhood (+ friendly neighbours), and grassy backyard. I am even meeting women and socialising somewhat.

Praxis in politics
Also, Jura Books has required attentions of late. The website has a series of nice new themes (courtesy of moi); the shop is being cleaned and rearranged to make it more friendly, and I ,even had time for a big screaming match with Sid today over the issue of "how it is my fault that Mark M doesn;t interact with the collective"... ok, simplication there. He said that there is an equal fault on both sides of the equation (Mark on one, and everyone else except Sid on the other) and if Mark has never treated us well it is partly our faults. Hmm, it sounds logical, but it isn't once you take a little of the history into account.

Love, love, love
Back to Kalypso, but sweet, my dear. I've wanted to write something to you for a few weeks now, but words tend to fail me a little bit. There's something wonderful happening here. I'm so glad to have you in my life to share with.

Now to my sister. Sister, dear. I can't ever express what you mean to me. One day, I might find some word. Till then, just realise that I'm trying to get better at the "being there" part. I hope you like your blog in pink.

Drugs
I've been off my meds for about a month now. I just ran out and couldn't see the doctor to get more. Silly girl, yes I am. There have been some terrible tizzies (especially when I got my period on 25/12/06 - urgh). But surprisingly, I feel ok. More ok than I imagined I would. Can't really wait to get back, though. The zoloft puts a small wall between me and the panic, a little barrier I still need to fend off the horrifying realisations of ordinariness of every day. There is a horror of gaping open, a giant, stinking vulva of life that inhabits everything. Sometimes its creation and rot gets too much for me.

Burned bridges
Yes, I am an idiot. I sent a xmas card to Souv's parents, but I got back a curt "thankyou" email. Not sure what to make of it all, except to make nothing of it. I feel a bit betrayed by them on many fronts. C'est la vie. Serves me right for engaging. Serves me right for indulging my fantasies of trust and transparency.

Freshly cut grass
I don't get into all this sexual morality that my (now) ex-mates seem to revel in. But one thing I notice is how wrong it can seem to cut your mate's grass...not that I care, but there is this rule. Now, you know who you are, right? Yes, you. I can't really get any more alienated from those who care, but how will you get treated when or if the story gets out? I already know the answer, so I've no interest in the experiment.

That reminds me to check whether those kidlets were able to pay the bills or not...
And that in tern reminds me, I am so happy now.

Sometimes I feel I am in a new reality tv show, and losing badly

Sunday

I had to go to Souv's to pick up my papers, comix and LPs. He had separated out the comix that he believed were mine, even though the agreement was to go through them. I wanted to go through the comix, and he started yelling at me.

I wanted volumes one and 2 of "Maus" - but he thought I only had volume 1. Of course, he hadn't given me either. I looked at a pile of books where Maus was sitting and that's when the abuse started. I was "treating it like my home" which it no longer is. Not that he told me what I wasn't allowed to touch, oh no. Passive aggression doesn't work when you communicate your needs.

He told me that he and my friends were concerned that I had pushed them away. They've got no "real problem" with me, except that I have "distanced myself". This is evidence that I am on a calculated, manipulative jounrey of self destruction and I am using them as an excuse. Of course, I am not as happy as I say I am, because that would invalidate the "journey of self destruction" theory. Of course, the names of the individuals who have said this about me must be private to Souvarine. Even though their comments can be shared with me. Of course it isn't a contradiction that these nameless people are allowed to anonymously judge me as insane, and still call themselves my friends.

He kept looking at me with a mixture of hate and sorrow, and something I'd call 'longing'.

The best part is when he kept repeating "I haven't asked anyone to chose sides". No, but he has made it clear that unless they chose, they lose his friendship. If I go to an event, he will not.

HAS LOGIC LEFT THE BUILDING?

Ok, I'm angry

And I hit out when I am hurting.

So sorry for being a cunt. Sorry for being an anger-blind cunt. Sorry for wanting to hurt you back.

There's no point wanting to explain how I feel

Arsenic

Let's eat arsenic pizza

Suffer, losers!

If you don't have a sister who makes fruit salad for you, then suffer in the knowledge that I am enjoying my sister's great fruit salad right now.


Muah ha ha ha!

I miss my ex-husband!

Ha ha ha, no I don't!

so much hurt

and no-one to share it with.

.... all my "mates" are now souv's mates. Great.

Evil

In my dreams, I am as evil as Stacy Scheff. But alas, its only in my dreams. My sweet, sweet dreams.

Souvarine

I just spoke to Souvarine about all this. He tells me all of my friends a "genuinely concerned" about the choices I am making in my life and where I am headed. Funny how they manifest this concern as vicious bitching, eh?

Anyway, we spoke adultly, and he said what he said before... that he wants things to be calm, and for him that means being without Anna for at least 6 to 18 months. Then we can see if friendship is still possible. There are still some small loose ends to tie up - and I was relieved to hear he is in no hurry to do so, but also appreciates my need to do it quickly so his girlfriend will stop accusing me of "trying to get him back".

Yay for sanity.

He reiterates that he doesn't hate me. Yay for that. Yay for being an adult about it all.

The Bold and The Beautiful continues....

More emails from my lovely loco interlocutor.

They're planning a "fence-mending party" (my sister asked 'is that a real or figurative fence?' when I told her) to fix the back fence of the house we all shared. Not that I was involved in the breaking of said fence - but I've been asked to help or donate money to the cause. I'm entertaining the idea that my help would actually be appreciated, but so far, my offers have met with some heady abuse because I offered that Kalypso could also help... I'm allowed to bring anyone but him to give their labour voluntarily.

Anyway, Loco Lu and I have exchanged a series of emails where she accuses me of being a malintended person who's only goal in life is to disturb the sanity of Souvarine (and/or to win him back). After I finally told her I wasn't interested in the dialogue anymore because it was just about villifying me, not about communication. It most recently ends here:


On 11/30/06, loco lu> wrote:
i know that u r going through some very difficult times at the moment n dont want to make your life more difficult for u. really think Itchy should relax about the eX issue because it has little to do with her.
can we agree to distance our selves untill the atmosphere is more relaxed for us all?
think its best we keep to our distances untill things chill out.
on sun 10th with fence fixing. all my closest friends that u dont like too much will be there...but they will be nice and so will i.

lov
lu



And my response...

Look, I don't dislike anyone in this situation. I do dislike being villified for having sex, though. I've been willing all along to just play nice - but I can't when I'm being treated badly by Itchy and yourself because I had sex with someone you don't like. Its soooooo none of your business who I fuck, even if you don't like them. I will arrange to get my bond back from Itchy and I will come to help with the fence.

Anna

Throughout this ordeal, the most intense feelings have welled up in me. Mostly - a sense of lonliness and impotence. Lonliness because I'm being ejected from a group (whether or not I value them). Impotence because reason is the last thing they'll care to understand. All I can do is blog about it, and hope that someone somewhere agrees.

Kalypso has been great, though. Thanks, maaaaaate, for being supportive when I needed it. In fact, there's a long list of people who've listened to me whine and cry about how fucking unfair it all is, who've patted me on the back and told me to "stay solid, comrade". Fucking heaps of thanks to you all!

Roaring womyn, dillimondaine, beaver, jen&ella, souvarine, the Mighty Crl, dug, rainbow brite, to name a few. You roxor!

A sense of triumph

A sense of triumph overcomes me as I tune the telly aerial to make a clear picture of channel 7. The same channel that will soon be showing House - a telly drama about hospitals starring the inimitable Hugh Laurie.

The bad days (of our lives) will end

The wisdom of Loco Lu:
"i found out you sent souv's mother an evil text about his mental health when u know perfectly well he's doing really well. u knew they were trying to have a nice family dinner n u just had to try n upset souv's mother"

The evil text message? You judge:
"hear you are in sydney. hope you are well. I am a bit concerned about Souv to be honest. Glad he has a new girlfriend"

The bad days (of our lives) will end. I wait.

Me and AK together at last

AK was having issues earlier in the week so she asked me to come and drink and chat with her. As you well know, I'm also having issues and was well in need of a chat.

We ended the night lying drunk in a park in Redfern. Hugging and crying and telling each other its all OK. With friends like Ak, it all seems a bit better.

Crazy crazy women

Ok, so I'm a bad person for dating the ex of a friend of mine (who was separated from him for 12 months, and also lives in another country). But the woman who is dating my ex - someone I've separated from for 5 months, still keep in contact with and see regularly, can't see any parrallels. She insists that I have made an "insane and suicidal" choice.

Fuck me dead! Who are these mad people, and what do they want from me?

Kalypso made a good point about all this melodrama. He said that the players have but 2 options: accept that I am just human, or paint me as an evil bitch with nothing but malintent. If they do the latter, life is good for them and no examination of their own actions comes into play. If they do the former then they have to countenance the possibility that: their actions were childish and rude; that their son is crazy; that their new boytfriend might not be perfect (like who is?); that a relationship can't ever be exclusive to 2 people alone.

Chocolate is a stimulant

And it feels great to eat when you are stressing out

I've lost all power of reasoning

All these people are saying that I am "obviously" "insane" and "suicidal" because I am making choices they don't like. I'm beginning to crack.

Loquita!

The crazy ex-flatmates have struck again! How do they manage to be so mad?

I'm starting to feel I should just let them keep the $200 they owe me so I don't have to get involved anymore. Alleviating the stress I feel is worth about $200, I reckon. I feel like I'm always being handed responsibility for their shit because I appear more together or something.

Its just fucked up.


.... but then, they keep telling me I'm crazy and immoral. I don't quite know how to take it all.

70 minutes until lease-signing time!

Wheeeee!

Today

The boss is away and I will play

patching things up

2nd day without smoking. I chucked my fags in the bin yesterday and bought nicotine patches. Urgh, the worst part of being an addict is buying shit like nicabate cq at priceline. I feel so dirty.

The first thing you notice when you open the packet is a vile smell. Its a smoker's smell, like a hundred old crusties taken turns blowing smoke into your curtains.

When you put it on, you get a rush of nausea which does continue throughout the day. Its sick, but slightly less sick than smoking, I suppose.

The best thing is - I am actually not smoking.

Reading